Paradox Cafe

3439 SE Belmont Street Portland, OR 97214

The Paradox Cafe is an organic restaurant offering “great food prepared fresh for your mind & body.”  I was initially going to order breakfast, but seeing as it was nearly 1pm, I decided I might as well try out the burger.  Plus, the menu description seemed pretty appealing;

100% Oregon Country Beef – All of our burgers are served on a dairy-free wheat bun with lettuce, tomatoes, pickle chips and vegan mayo.  You can add to any of our burgers….fresh fries for $2 OR a small green salad OR cup of soup for $3!

Basic Burger – $ 5.55 – Add anything you want for a small charge!

Seems like it would be good, right?  After a relatively long wait, the server set the following plate in front of me:

My first thought was “what the fuck is this.” I then thought that I should have known better to order a burger at a place such as this.  I should have also known something was up when the server didn’t ask how I wanted the beef cooked.  …You know it’s bad when you’re instantly filled with regret before you even take your first bite.  The patty was what seemed like a centimeter in height.  The bun to beef ratio seemed like it was 5:1.  All I could taste was wheat/grain and I ended up just taking the bun off and eating beef dipped in vegan mayonnaise with a fork.  In all honestly, eating this burger was like cutting a shitty school lunch dinner roll in half, throwing some flavorless grey meat in between, and calling it a burger.

Burger Ratings:

Burger:  3

I was very disappointed with this burger.  The patty was ridiculously thin and tasteless.  Honestly, the only thing that I could actually taste was the wheat bun.

Side: 6

It’s pretty sad when a plain side salad is more enjoyable than a burger.  Even though most of the pieces of lettuce were wilted, I ended up eating them and preferring the taste to that horrible excuse for a burger.

Environment: 5

The Paradox Cafe offers a typical cafe-style environment.  There are roomy booths, coffee bar seating, and smaller 2-person tables.

Value: 2

This burger was certainly not worth $5.50.  They should probably take it off the menu or charge less so people will know to avoid it in the future.

Paradox Cafe Organic Restaurant
3439 SE Belmont Street Portland, OR 97214
(503) 232.7508

Tags: bullshit, horseshit, local beef, organic, paradox cafe, portland, vegan

Listed Under: 2 - Why does this exist