Concordia Ale House

Concordia Ale House is some sort of bar/pub/awful idea in NE Portland on Killingsworth.  I’m not even sure if they brew their own beer or what. Anyway, they have a large menu with a broad selection of items to please everybody.  There is a dedicated menu section for burgers, with the standard varieties of burger configurations to choose from (Bacon BBQ, Spicy Pepperjack, etc). The menu states “Our burgers are angus beef on kaiser buns. Served with lettuce, tomato and our House Sauce (Mayo, mustard & horseradish) your choice of Kettle Chips or fries.” You could also substitute the fries or chips for a small salad or soup for an additional $2.25, and/or substitute a Garden Burger for $1.00 or a Grilled Chicken Breast for $.50. I went with the following:

Classic Burger – Your basic juicy hamburger served with house sauce and all the fixin’s – .$8.00 Add pepper bacon – $1.25, Double it up – $2.25,   Add cheese – $0.75

I ordered it with the house sauce on the side and the addition of cheddar cheese. I forgot to request my burger to be cooked medium, and I took that as a bad sign from the start.  Excluding fast food places, this burger was served to me in the absolute fastest time possible. Which means it was brought out to me rare or it was pre-cooked and then just reheated. Of course, it was the latter.

At least it looks good.

And here’s a shot with the bun off.

This was clearly a frozen pre-cooked patty that tasted exactly how you would imagine, though the grill marks give it a nice touch. My eyes say this burger is delicious, as it is very well put together and seems very appealing. The beef patty itself is almost that of McDonald’s quality. Seriously. It really reminded me of the Angus Third Pounder. The only good thing I have to say about my plate was the pickle spear on the side. You should only recommend this place to people you hate, or to really good friends as a prank.

Burger Ratings:

Burger: 4

This burger was a huge let-down. I kind of had a feeling the minute I saw the building that this wasn’t going to be that great, and then again when I walked in and saw the interior, and again when it was brought out in roughly 4 minutes. This was all confirmed the second I took the first bite. Giant bun, flavorless cheese, frozen overcooked patty.  I feel like this occurs all too frequently…

Side: 4

These french fries are absolutely bizarre. They are very crispy, and coated lightly in sea salt, and you are thinking “yes! this is great” but when your brain attempts to put the signals all together, it just isn’t a french fry. I can taste the sea salt, but nothing else. I feel like this place is actually a research lab conducting behavior studies on food that looks great and tastes like nothing, but is really expensive and served in a cold, hellish environment to see how people react.

Environment: 2

Concordia Ale House is in the same building as a fancy Subway restaurant. Their awful neon sign and outside decor makes it seem like one of those shady video lottery places I see all over Portland. Inside, the table set-up is poorly done, and there is half the amount of seating than could be possible. This place would benefit tremendously by booths. The interior reminded me of a firehall where I would be drug to as a kid while my mom played bingo for hours. Just imagine a giant rectangle of a room, with tables and chairs placed at random and a check cashing window…er.. “bar”.. in the back. Plus, add in tons of annoying kids running around screaming and awful children’s artwork taped to the walls. On top of this, it was fucking freezing inside.  This may be my idea of hell.

Value: 1

My frozen precooked burger and tasteless fries were $8.75. I absolutely hate the idea of kid-friendly bars/brew-pubs. These should be safe-spaces where I can have a cheeseburger and a beer in peace and not brace myself from the shrill screaming of children.  Additionally, even though I don’t ever factor in service to my reviews, the service here was so bad I was angry that I had to leave a tip.  Awful food, awful vibe, awful service. Fuck this place.

3276 NE Killingsworth Street Portland, OR 97211 // (503) 287-3929

Tags: burger shop inside a firehall, concordia ale house, flavorless cheese, killingsworth, mcdonalds taste, mtv's "Boiling Points", NE, screaming children

Listed Under: 1 - Fuck This.