The Pumpkin Patch

16525 NW Gillihan Road Portland, OR 97231

Q:  What happens when you’re freezing cold, absolutely starving, and bored and frustrated from standing in a non-moving line for over an hour while surrounded by tweens?

A:  You think it’s a good idea to buy a burger from a dirty shack on a farm with a corn maze.

I never really considered eating here, but while I was checking out their website, the description of the cafe seemed appealing enough: “Since we are the only place on the Island to get fresh home cookin’, this feature alone keeps folks coming back to the farm! Uncle Dennis’ to-die-for burgers are worth the drive to the country, but Pumpkin Patch customers also enjoy October Festival sausages, fresh mouth-watering corn-on-the-cob (right from the field, of course!), healthy gardenburgers™, cheesy nachos, plump juicy hot dogs, and much more!”

The burger description:

Hamburger – $3.25 – A Quarter pound pattie with fresh lettuce, tomato, pickles and our special sauce!!

They also have a cheeseburger, but since the cheese was unspecified (even when I asked the cashier) I decided to opt for the hamburger instead.  After I ordered, I received a number and stood off to the side to wait. Apparently Uncle Dennis can only cook up one burger at a time, because the wait took fucking FOREVER.  After a hellishly long wait, I finally got to pick up this adorably wrapped gem:

However, the contents inside the cute little wrapping were not as enjoyable.

I would say this is exactly what I would have expected from a shack on a farm, BUT the description made it seem like “down on the farm home grillin’ by good ol’ Uncle Dennis!” – what a joke!  Anyway, I figured I’d dress it up in some mustard at least, but after I went over to the condiment table, I decided to brave it as-is.  I don’t think the table has been cleaned since they opened for the season in September. This thing was beyond filthy:

Uncle Dennis really needs to take a break from the grille and wipe down a table or two. Eating the burger completely plain enabled me to to savor the rich flavor of the meat, and by that I mean crunch down on hard bits of white spheres and wonder what I was eating.  Congealed fat? Bone fragments? Connective tissue? EYEBALLS? BRAINS? ? Since it was a ~haunted corn maze~ I will just assume this burger is haunted as well, and it will FOREVER HAUNT MY DREAM[-burger.com]S.

Burger Ratings:

Burger: n/a

This thing barely counts as a burger.  This burger was not fit for consumption by a human being in a first world country, so I ended up re-wrapping it and placing it under my armpit to keep me warm.

Side: 4

I was able to purchase a $0.25 bag of Cheetos for $0.50, so that was a steal.  They had a decent selection of bagged chips and snacks, so I’ll give them a 4 for that alone.

Environment: 1

I can safely say that this was the worst burger experience I have ever endured. I was too cold to remove my gloves to eat the burger, and there weren’t any walls or even a tarp to shield guests from the wind. The plastic picnic tables were covered in crumbs and dirt, and the condiment table appeared to have never been cleaned.

Value: 2

One of good ol’ Uncle Dennis’ hamburgers will set you back $3.25, and you can add mystery cheese for only a quarter more!

The Pumpkin Patch
16525 NW Gillihan Road Portland, OR 97231
503.621-7110

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Listed Under: 1 - Fuck This.